Consensual Text

Our culture loves when things are black and white—heterosexual or homosexual; straight or gay; etc. But when it comes to sexual orientation and attraction, it’s not that simple.

The type of porn you like or watch doesn’t necessarily define whether you are gay, straight, gay or bi or somewhere in between. Lots of straight people enjoy gay porn, gay people enjoy straight porn and on and on. What arouses you in porn is not a quick litmus test about your sexual orientation.

Alfred Kinsey realized we have the potential to be erotically attracted to both women and men, or mostly men or mostly women, or only men or only women. Kinsey discovered that only 10% of people are truly 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual, and that most people fall somewhere in between.

What you should pay attention to is whether you act on the feelings you’re having.  You can’t control who you are sexually attracted to but you can control whether you act on those desires or not. And acting on your sexual desires is really dependent on your comfort level and the environment that you are living in.

If you find yourself drawn to lesbian porn and want to explore your sexuality a little deeper, try asking yourself these questions: Who do I usually have crushes on? Who do I find myself attracted to? Who do I fantasize about? Who do I see myself with in a relationship? If you have been attracted to another woman – have you acted on that or do you want to act on that? That’s something you need to figure out for yourself.

Consensual Text is featured on Twitter and on Facebook .  Fan and follow us for info on a range of topics pertaining to sex and sexual health!

Good question. Getting tied up can be a fun, adventurous and super sexy experience if done acceptably. How do you do it acceptably? Well for starters, you shouldn’t just decide to chain your partner to the bedpost one night during your sex routine. Just like with everything new, consent and agreement are the first steps. So talk with your partner ahead of time before trying this at home, kids.

Control is also essential. Even though one of you is tied up, you both have to feel that you can regain control at any time. Using a safe word is a good way to do this. A safe word is a word that will always be honored by both/all of you and will mean the experience will stop right then.  Pick your safe word and remind your lover of it. Words like elephant, ice cream, mercy, or radishes are examples, but find your own word and use it.

Being tied up isn’t just about hand binding. There are other ways to experience getting all tied up.  A foot, one arm, feet and arms at same time, etc.  Enjoy letting go and knowing you are safe and/or keeping your partner safe.

So what kind of ties should you use? How about a soft rope or a rope made out of cord, not plastic. If you’re not into the rope idea, scarves, belts, socks, tape, ties, leather, and handcuffs will also work.

You’re also going to want to experiment safely. Tying your partner to the bedpost first would be a better choice than tying him/her to a ceiling rafter.

Have fun and play with the experience – put lipstick on your boyfriend when he is tied up, or put a jock strap on your girlfriend. Dress him or her up with lace, or chaps, or leather, or pour whipped cream all over her or him. Have hot sex and also have fun.

Planned Parenthood of Northern New England’s Education Department carefully selects all weekly questions. All questions are actual inquiries made to PPNNE by college-aged students.

Do you have a question you would like to see included?  Please email goddess@ppnne.org

I always knew the Germans were kinky. Long before SpielPalast and racy cabarets, German Cavewomen were using sex toys!

A prehistoric siltstone phallus  was discovered in a cave in Germany and is being studied at the University of Tubingen. Researchers believe this 30,000-year-old sex object also doubled as tool to start fires (the equivalent of a cigarette after sex? Perhaps).

Clearly, we can learn a lot from these cavewomen. They made use of what they had “handy,” and didn’t need to worry about PVC in their sex toys.

Instead of answering questions this Frisky Friday, we wanted to ask some.

We sat down with the mysterious Mistress Maeve of Burlington’s Seven Days newspaper, who has been dispensing truthful, titillating and sometimes naughty advice to readers since 2006 in her lusty column.

OK, we lied.  We didn’t actually sit down with her because it turns out her identity is HIGHLY guarded (like North Korea “highly guarded”). But, the Mistress was kind enough to answer a few questions via email, messenger pigeon and secret drop offs.

Mistress, how did you learn so much about sex?
Cable television. When I was young, we were one of the first on our street to get cable. Back then, they didn’t have parental controls, and I had free reign over Cinemax (often referred to as “Skinemax”). I learned from watching big Hollywood movies just how powerful sex and sexuality could be, and thus began my lifelong curiosity about sex. Growing up in a more conservative environment, I was always the outspoken kid who was pushing the envelope. Because sex always seemed to make adults squirm, I made no secret of my fascination with human sexuality. Every chance I got, I read books, wrote papers and gave presentations on everything from sex workers’ rights to gender roles in lesbian BDSM relationships.

Why are you anonymous?
My anonymity is more for my readers’ protection than my own. In my experience, people are more willing to be open and honest about sex if they feel anonymous. I don’t want half-truths in the letters I receive, I want people to let it all out — and they’ll only do that if they feel safe. The more anonymous I am, the more anonymous my readers feel.

How do you choose your questions?
I try to answer each question I receive. It may take a while, but I get to them either in print or on the blog.

Is there anything you wish someone would ask you?
I wish someone would ask me on a date. That would be nice.

Mistress,  we are Planned Parenthood, so we have to ask:  are people being safe when having fun, or does your pile of mail tell you otherwise?
For most of us of a certain age, we all got the same message in high school health class: Use a condom, and you’ll be safe. However, it’s more complicated than that. I hear from many people, women in particular, who are confused about HPV, cervical cancer, hepatitis and herpes. To these women I say: Knowledge is power. Turn to a trusted source for information about your body, then educate your friends and partners. Safe sex happens when we care enough to empower ourselves and take care of our sexual health. If we don’t do it, who else will?

If you could only say one thing to your audience, what would it be?
In the nicest way possible, I’d tell them to lighten up. The vast majority of the letters I receive have to do with sexual anxiety in one form or another. Is anal sex too messy? Is my penis too small? Do I masturbate too much? Stop all the worrying — sex is supposed to be fun! Yes, anal sex can be messy, but don’t let that stop you. No, your penis isn’t too small. And, unless you’re skipping work or family obligations to rub one out, you’re not masturbating too much. Just relax and enjoy yourselves!

What are the things pertaining to sex you still struggle with?
I struggle with the same issues my readers do — communication, body image, sexual health. But, that’s what I like about sex — there’s always something to learn, something to negotiate, something that challenges me. Sexual relationships might not always be easy, but they sure are interesting.

Do you ever struggle with judgment?
Sure. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t struggle with judgment. Mostly I have a hard time not judging people who are judging others. I’ll receive letters or blog comments from readers who are totally disgusted by sex acts or fetishes that others enjoy. I don’t get that. People shouldn’t care so much about what happens in other peoples’ bedrooms. Overall, I believe all sex acts are great, so long as they’re safe, sane and consensual. Of course, safe and sane are subjective terms…

Stop the presses! There is a new movie which actually depicts a character going through with an abortion (gasp!). 

You would think that since abortion has been a legal medical procedure since 1973, this would be a more prevalent theme in film and a less spectacular event. Yet, Hollywood lately only seems to feature characters carrying their pregnancies to full term.  Juno, Knocked Up, even an episode from Sex and the City all feature women choosing against abortion (wait a minute, they choose?? They have a choice?).

When abortion is shown in film, there are usually dire consequences. Take for example Dirty Dancing—set in 1963, ten years before Roe was law, dancer Penny receives an illegal “botched” abortion and nearly bleeds to death. In If These Walls Could Talk, two of the three plot lines end in death. And in Vera Drake, Vera is convicted and actually serves time for performing abortions.

Kudos to Greenberg, starring Ben Stiller, for tackling this issue so non-judgmentally and nonchalantly. The one bummer moment? They refer to the abortion as a “D & C.”  C’mon. If you’re gutsy enough to feature abortion in your film, you should also be gusty enough to have your characters utter the big “A” word. Maybe next time.

Consensual Text is featured on Twitter and on Facebook .  Fan and follow us for info on a range of topics pertaining to sex and sexual health!

(This week’s question came from a 21 year old female reader.)

Ah, threesomes. They look so easy on tv, don’t they?  They start off with a hot couple sharing laughs with an attractive single friend…champagne starts to flow, and Barry White is softly playing… The mood gets playful, a long chuckle, then a pat on the knee…and then, BAM! Everyone is suddenly naked, playing tonsil hockey, and rolling around on white satin sheets! 

Threesomes are never this spontaneous in real life (because real people are involved!), which is why talking to your partner is so important.

First, make sure you are ready for the threesome—ready for the actual experience, and ready for what life will be like afterward for everyone involved.  If you can’t be honest with yourself or within your relationship, then you’re probably not ready to bring a naked friend into the bedroom.

Let’s assume you are ready for this ménage a trois.  What do you say to your partner?

1. Tell them this is something you want to do and explain why—“I thought this would spice things up…” “I think it would be really sexy…” “It’s something I’ve always wanted to try…” etc.
2. State your commitment—your commitment to communicating well and your commitment to your partner.
3. Ask what them what they think about the idea—if he/she agrees, listen to what they would like to do, what their fantasies are, and what their fears are.  Respect and understand your partner’s feelings and uncertainties.
4. Make agreements about what you will do–and more importantly what you won’t do—by having boundaries, you will all avoid awkward moments when the time comes. And then make sure the third person knows of these boundaries and agrees to them. (No kissing on the mouth, no penetration, whatever..)
5. Make sure your partner feels empowered and part of the arrangement.  In fact, whenever possible, let your lover know that she/he is the most important person to you in this threesome adventure.

When you shouldn’t have a threesome:

• If you are in love with the third person you want to invite and you’re using the threesome as a catalyst for breaking up your current relationship. Bad manners.
• When you’re uncomfortable with any part of it.

People, the reason we’re not going into safe sex/condoms/STDs, etc. is because if you’re sexually adventurous enough to be contemplating a threesome, we have to believe you’re smart enough to know the risks of unsafe sex.

Here’s what the always funny, always blunt Dan Savage has to say about threeways:

Planned Parenthood of Northern New England’s Education Department carefully selects all weekly questions. All questions are actual inquiries made to PPNNE by college-aged students.

Do you have a question you would like to see included?  Please email goddess@ppnne.org

A new study reveals people’s other activities during sex, which seem to include texting.

We are wondering if you are able to edit down to 140 characters, spell properly, and manage the fine motor skill of getting your fingers on those little buttons (wait….why are your hands on a PHONE???), perhaps you aren’t paying attention to the other activities going on? For details, click this button.

Just wondering out loud.