What is the best way to ask your partner about a threesome?
May 7th, 2010Consensual Text is featured on Twitter and on Facebook . Fan and follow us for info on a range of topics pertaining to sex and sexual health!
(This week’s question came from a 21 year old female reader.) 
Ah, threesomes. They look so easy on tv, don’t they? They start off with a hot couple sharing laughs with an attractive single friend…champagne starts to flow, and Barry White is softly playing… The mood gets playful, a long chuckle, then a pat on the knee…and then, BAM! Everyone is suddenly naked, playing tonsil hockey, and rolling around on white satin sheets!
Threesomes are never this spontaneous in real life (because real people are involved!), which is why talking to your partner is so important.
First, make sure you are ready for the threesome—ready for the actual experience, and ready for what life will be like afterward for everyone involved. If you can’t be honest with yourself or within your relationship, then you’re probably not ready to bring a naked friend into the bedroom.
Let’s assume you are ready for this ménage a trois. What do you say to your partner?
- Tell them this is something you want to do and explain why—“I thought this would spice things up…” “I think it would be really sexy…” “It’s something I’ve always wanted to try…” etc.
- State your commitment—your commitment to communicating well and your commitment to your partner.
- Ask what them what they think about the idea—if he/she agrees, listen to what they would like to do, what their fantasies are, and what their fears are. Respect and understand your partner’s feelings and uncertainties.
- Make agreements about what you will do–and more importantly what you won’t do—by having boundaries, you will all avoid awkward moments when the time comes. And then make sure the third person knows of these boundaries and agrees to them. (No kissing on the mouth, no penetration, whatever..)
- Make sure your partner feels empowered and part of the arrangement. In fact, whenever possible, let your lover know that she/he is the most important person to you in this threesome adventure.
When you shouldn’t have a threesome:
- If you are in love with the third person you want to invite and you’re using the threesome as a catalyst for breaking up your current relationship. Bad manners.
- When you’re uncomfortable with any part of it.
People, the reason we’re not going into safe sex/condoms/STDs, etc. is because if you’re sexually adventurous enough to be contemplating a threesome, we have to believe you’re smart enough to know the risks of unsafe sex.
Here’s what the always funny, always blunt Dan Savage has to say about threeways:
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