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You are not alone. So many people question their orientation at one time or another. When we decide that we are “heterosexual” or “gay” or “lesbian,” etc., we feel like we have completed the process. So, it can be especially surprising to experience feelings that shake the understanding of ourselves. What can you do if you’re feeling this way?
Let’s first talk about what sexual orientation really is: Your sexual orientation is not just about erotic desire – it is also about romantic and affectional desire. It’s about who you like, who you love, and who you are turned on by. Sexual orientation is also about who you turn to for emotional comfort, who you are most drawn to socially, who you fantasize about, and who is in your sexual dreams. In a perfect world, sexual orientation and identity, is fluid—it can change and move at different times in your life.
Here are some questions to ask yourself: 
- Am I sexually drawn to both men and women?
- Am I happy just having the fantasies that come with crushes on people of the same gender?
- Am I erotically attracted to the person or people I am sexually involved with at this time?
- What gets in my way of exploring my feelings about someone of the same gender? There are so many heterosexual and LGBT people that will support you if it is fear of the unknown and fear of rejection that is holding you back.
- In my ideal world, would I want to be in a sexual relationship/or relationships with someone/people of the same or another gender, or is the gender not important?
Next step—explore! People are often nervous about their first sexual experience with someone of the same gender and that’s OK. Keep in mind that sexual expression is about the sexual feelings, the arousal you have in the moment and the attraction you have for THAT person.
Ways to explore:
- Watch some sexually explicit films that are gay or lesbian centric and think about what you liked and didn’t like (if there’s anything).
- Go to events that heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people attend.
- Ask someone out for coffee that you have a crush on and see how you feel about that person. Did it excite you? Scare you? Make you want to bolt in the other direction? Or make you want to get in your car and chase him/her down? And why?
- Tell some people in your life that you are curious about your sexual orientation and are interested in exploring that further.
- Try to get some friends to introduce you to some gay or lesbian social cliques.
Sometimes it’s difficult to become “yourself”—but you know what? It is more difficult to miss out on who you really are. Take some chances … life is short and our sexuality is a fabulous part of our lives.
FYI: Pride Vermont is this weekend in Burlington and there are many events to attend – what perfect timing!
Planned Parenthood of Northern New England’s Education Department carefully selects all weekly questions. All questions are actual inquiries made to PPNNE by college-aged students.
Do you have a question you would like to see included? Please email goddess@ppnne.org
